Decepticon Bboard 2011

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OOC POSTING

Feb 18 2011 Megatron

..Wow. it's been a while since ANYONE has posted on this board. I really want to get the Decepticons back in shape.. and this means posting and active roleplaying. There's a few items I'd like to discuss:

1. RP, RP, RP. Even if only one other person is on. You might just enjoy it.

2. Post reports/stuff on bboard 4 for the other Cons to read and respond to. That's what it's there for. It will only help generate a better Roleplaying environment for everyone.

3. BE ACTIVE. I cannot stress this enough. If you are an inactive player, you're missing out on all the fun. PLUS, if you realistically expect your Decepticon to rise through the ranks, you MUST be an active player here on Dark Ages. I WILL NOT consider ANYONE for promotion unless you are an active player and actively posting per item #2.

4. BE PROACTIVE. Even outisde the absence of orders, you can easily provide RP for your fellow decepticons. Those who regularily take charge will be properly rewarded by both Staff in the form of +noms, and myself in the form of promotions.

Let's go have some fun ;) Megatron

Medical Quarantine

Feb 28 2011 Robustus

Fellow Decepticons, as some of you may know by now there is some sort of outbreak going on that is slowly crossing faction lines. I am working with Soundwave, Starscream, and others at this moment and we believe we have a way to deal with the situation. Please be patient. If you get any injuries that crop up out of nowhere, please come to med bay immediately to be put into quarantine. Thank you.

Operation:Shrink Ray Nano Repair

Mar 08 2011 Soundwave

SUBJECT:Damaged Unrepairing Nanobot Plague. BY: Soundwave

BODY: Last night at 0700 hours Polyhex City Time, a team led by myself took Bytaboom, Starscream, Stormfront, Shadowstar, Robustus and Nitrogear and used an adaptive shrink ray to capture and reprogram one of the nanobots. Robustus' modifications to the Shrink technology utilized by myself was very successful. We are observing our subject now to see if the new program designed by Our Team successfully re-repairs the Transformer.

-=*Soundwave=-

Training Proposal

Mar 09 2011 Stormfront

Per the request of Lord Megatron: I am proposing an addition to current training protocols, and offering my services to conduct advanced seeker training. The focus of the program would be on group tactics, with units in formation flying, figher escort duty, security details, paint-and-shoot team marksmanship and group evasive maneuvers, with multiple seekers working in groups and sub-groups.

My recommendation at this time is not to make this mandatory, but to test the methods on a small group of volunteers over a period of time, which will include performance reviews and evaluation, and to see if these training methods improve performance sufficiently to make it worth expansion.

Currently, Slipstream, Shadowstar and Echo have volunteered for parts or all of the program. Pending their approvals, Nitrogear and Shred have both been recommended as ideal potential candidates as well.

Skorponoks

Mar 22 2011 Megatron

• Bweeep!*=MEGATRON=

"DECEPTICONS! The gang called the 'Skorponoks' could be an asset to my cause.. GUARDSTAR! Assemble a team of Decepticons to 'convince' the ringleader and the Skorponoks to bow to my rule. Last confirmed location: Tin Prairies.

Radio Transmission

Apr 06 2011 Nitrogear

An unknown feminine voice contacted us over the radio. The voice refused to identify itself, responding only with "OVERRIDDEN". The voice asked us to "Find Syke", offerd an award, and asked us with a pleading 'please'.

All Decepticons Rank 3 Or Lower: This request is not happening. As Comrade Slipstream so aptly put it: we are not at the beck and call of anyone that will not show themselves let alone the fact that Lord Megatron would be immensely displeased if we went off on a mission he didn't personally approve.

Nitrogear

Skorponoks

Apr 10 2011 Megatron

Decepticons! You are to report all known locations of Skorpionok activity and any mobile base locations to me. Include a datafile with descriptions of all Mechs or Femmes associated with this group if possible.

Megatron

Radio Transmission

Apr 06 2011 Nitrogear

An unknown feminine voice contacted us over the radio. The voice refused to identify itself, responding only with "OVERRIDDEN". The voice asked us to "Find Syke", offerd an award, and asked us with a pleading 'please'.

All Decepticons Rank 3 Or Lower: This request is not happening. As Comrade Slipstream so aptly put it: we are not at the beck and call of anyone that will not show themselves let alone the fact that Lord Megatron would be immensely displeased if we went off on a mission he didn't personally approve.

Nitrogear

Skorpionoks

Apr 10 2011 Megatron

Decepticons! You are to report all known locations of Skorpionok activity and any mobile base locations to me. Include a datafile with descriptions of all Mechs or Femmes associated with this group if possible.

Megatron

IC/OOC...

Apr 18 2011 Psykeout

OOC : This will probably be a bit longer than the IC post, so here goes...I am not back full-time. I hung up my MUSH hat almost two years ago and only came back because a certain someone hinted at their desire to see me here. I am going back to school in the fall and hopefully moving out of the country shortly after I get my degree. Between now and then (about two years), I will be here on occasion. If there are people on (especially Cons), I'll make nice. Those of you that I have a history with (Shred, Slips), if you are still here, @mail me and we can discuss if it needs to be ret-conned or we continue with the storyline. All other Cons, if we have a history, let me know and we can continue it. Now...game face.

IC : Good evening, fellow Deceptions. I am sure that my presence has been missed and I apologize deeply for that. There are many things that need to be finished and many...Decepticons who need to be investigated further. Shred...Slipstream...our time is not yet finished. My absence is explained simply by spending my days in Dead End, helping those that were completely unable to help themselves. Ridicule me. Punish me. Whatever you need to do. But, don't forget, my fellow Decepticons...I am back.

~Decepticon Spinny~

Camp Grounds Report

Apr 24 2011 Slipstream

Slipstream here reporting on what occurred at the Camp Grounds. Shred arrived and assisted me with dealing with the Autobot that was keeping me away from the medic and the neutral. Unfortunately just as he fell the Autobots arrived in force and due to the sheer numbers game we decided it was best to retreat. At least we gave them a healthy repair bill. Slipstream out.

=MEGATRON=*Beeewwwp*

Deet

May 13 2011 Megatron

If anyone finds the Mech called PSYKE with IP Address (addrress provided) he will be placed into IMMEDIATE CUSTODY and you will notify me immediately. I will get to the bottom of why this 'Deet' ship wishes her pilot so badly.

POWER TO THE DECEPTICONS! - Megatron

Those racer guys

May 20 2011 Skywarp

Skywarp here. One of those Skorponok groundpounding racers was on the Flight Plains earlier this week. Me and Slipstream and Robustus saw him and Slipstream invited him to bring the rest of his group back some time. Skywarp PS: If Robustus says I'm missing maintenance check ups, he's lying, I looked it up and I'm not due at all.

Psykeout.

May 31 2011 Psykeout

A medical gumby's face appears on the screen, standing in front of Psykeout's bed. Psykeout's frame is motionless behind the gumby and there seems to be multiple wires and various other things coming out of his body, "Decepticons. Psykeout, after much time, has finally been brought back to Polyhex where he belongs. Lord Megatron, he is currently being kept inside of the Repair Campus and is attached to the bed where he will remain until you do what you need to do. Currently, he is nonfunctional, due to the injuries that he sustained while inside of El Sleazo Cafe. The mech that brought him here remained to wish anonymous."

The gumby steps to the side and begins to point to different parts of Psykeout's body, "As you can plainly see, his feet have been removed by a unskilled member of society. The cuts are clean and there is no chance of further destruction because of the wounds. Moving up his body, his left arm has been removed by force. This injury differs in the fact that it seems to have been done by force, rather than the clean cut of the amputation of his feet. The most apparent injuries, however, seem to be on his face. Both optics have been destroyed. At some point, someone tried to repair the arm injury and one of the optics. Instead of actually doing it properly, they simply bolted a piece of armor over the eye."

He moves back to the end of the bed, "Lord Megatron, we can bring him back to functioning level at any time. Whenever you are ready, feel free to come in here. To the rest of the Decepticons, all we ask is that you have a good reason to be in here. Simply arriving for idle chitchat will not be tolerated and you will be asked to leave. This campus is reserved for official Decepticon business only."

The screen fades to black and the Decepticon emblem begins to spin...

Attention Decepticons:

Jun 07 2011 Megatron

Megatron appears on the screen, his optics wide with anger, "Decepticons. Last cycle, Starscream and Skywarp attempted to both infiltrate and take over Iacon. This sort of thing will NOT be tolerated," As if to drive his point home, he slams his fist into the arm of the throne, "You both will report to me immediately. There is no excuse for any delay. If you choose not to come before me to explain yourselves, the punishment will be severe. I will pull in medics to make sure that you still function. There is no reason for this disrespect and attempted overthrow. To the rest of the Decepticons, I appreciate your willingness to attack Iacon and bring down their forces. It brings us one step closer to total domination of Cybertron and the Empire being the only way."

He leans in closer to the camera, "Starscream. Skywarp. Command Center of Polyhex. NOW!"

The camera clicks off and the Decepticon emblem spins...

RE: UFO

Jun 21 2011 Hookshot

I had this experience that I just HAVE to tell you about!

As one of the units dispatched to investigate the rumours of a UFO at the Old airport, I feel it is my obligation to report that it was a waste of time. All we found there was a gaudily coloured vessel with a traveling fortuneteller inside, offering to trade his wares for "favours". Clearly, since Skywarp nearly destroyed his craft, he has as much precognitive prowess as a mercury puddle. After warnings issued, he disappeared with bland theatricals and forewarnings of doom. Oh, and there was one of those Scorponoks there by chance. I didn't catch his name, but he sure thinks he is someone.

Well, that's it for my report. Oh yes, and some data from initial scans will be sent along as well. Enjoy!

Exchange pt 1

Jun 27 2011 Hookshot

I had this experience I just HAD to tell you about...

I am sure by now reports have reached headquarters that Slipstream seems to be missing. Possibly even some quiet mentions of why. Too bad it's not discrete news in Cubicron that after getting attacked by some crazy slashhappy neutral an Autobot or two hauled her off to Iacon. Worry not, I have it all under control.

As per my orders from higher up the chain of command, the illustrious Starscream, I have taken a hostage. I found the most pathetic, harmless, hopeless, corewrenching postermech for preying on the frailties of Autobot honour I could and now have him secured. I have done my part. Now it is up to someone who has the diplomacy or intimidation skills to make the demands and the drop. The prisoner is detained in the cells below... and... I think I need a shower now. Yuck!

That is all. Have a nice cycle!

Alternative route

Jun 27 2011 Discordia

Polyhex has opened the normallyrestricted entryway from the Grease Pits into the Prison complex and out to allow safe exit and entry. However, because of the sensitive nature of the area that it passes through, civillians are not permitted either way.

Report: BRAWL in the Tina!

Jun 30 2011 Megatron

Word has reached my ears that there were several soldiers of mine involved in a nearbrawl in the Tina. Note that such actions save self defense are NOT accepted under my command. If you have issues with each other, they will be settled by honor duels in the Grease Pits, and Nowhere else!

Thus, I will require a detailled report on the happenings yesterday in the Tina from the following individuals. Failure to do so will be met with punishment severe:

Rogue Skywarp Nova Black Slipstream Bartender Slag

Glory to the Empire!

Skywarp, reporting in

Jun 30 2011 Skywarp

Skywarp reporting as ordered.

I was sitting in the Tina talking to people. Rogue was going on about some slag about how she doesn't have to take orders she doesn't like, some slag like that, and I was kind of tuning it out when Slipstream came in and just belted her across the face. It was awesome! Femmes fighting are totally hot. Anyway, Rogue did this zappy lightening thing (not cool at all, that hurt) and then Nova jumped in and said she'd had enough of Rogue's slag and wasn't going to take it any more. More femme fighting! The bartender broke it up, but it was awesome while it lasted.

I might have shot a laser or two into the scrum during all the excitement, but they were indoor lasers, not like the last time.

And I mean, it's the Tina, wha'ts one more burn mark on the wall in there, anyway? There weren't any bodies or anything.

After security kicked us all out, I showed Nova where the repair bay was, where Robustus fixed her and held me prisoner, I mean completed my overdue checkup (I am now maintained for at LEAST a vorn, Robustus, seriously. I'm starting to think you just want to get your servos in my plating or something, which is totally understandable, but I'm not into that medical stuff at /all/.) and then I went on patrol. I think that's it! If I forgot anything, I'll send another report.

Skywarp

My Tina report

Jun 30 2011 Slipstream

As stated by Skywarp, I walked into the Tina and attempted to punched Rogue in the face for disrespecting Starscream. She retaliated by using her electrical power, which zapped all of those in the room. Then she challenged the new recruit to being tested by her, stating she had standing orders to do so. News to me. Security showed up and escorted us all out. Slipstream out.

Crazies

Jun 30 2011 Rogue

You want a report, here's a report. I was sitting in the Tina, minding my own business. When in comes this, whats his name..something warp. Along with this little chicky. He starts going on about some orders, and the chicky is just smegging crazy. They just keep rambling on..then this other femme comes in, and without a word comes over and punches me out of nowhere, for no reason. So I responded in defense. Don't know which one is the enemy, take'em all down. So I shocked the room...the chicky gets cocky, and starts attacking me...so take that as a challenge, and return in kind. Theres your report.

PROPER Report procedure

Jun 30 2011 Megatron

Rogue, you will write your report CORRECTLY. Skywarp is your superior officer you will call him that. AS well, as I believe I said in my original orders, I wished DETAILS, not 'chicky' and 'some femme'. I want identities, and numbers, and EXACTLY what is said. Failure to follow proper reporting procedure as set down in BASIC DECEPTICON TRAINING will have the results of being sent BACK to the academy until the lesson is correctly learned. This goes for anyone else too.

As well, reports will be made with RESPECT to all senior officers, not 'there's your report'. I will be seeing you personally later, Rogue.

About that brawl...

Jun 30 2011 Nova Black

I'd gone into the Tina to relax and meet some of my new comrades. I've only recently come here, after all, and thought it would make sense to find out as much as I could. I ran into Rogue there, who'd been talking to me since I got here. "You must be the newbie," "show me what you've got," slag like that. "New recruits don't last long." She said the same stuff to me in the Tina, and I wasn't even insulting her, just sizing her up. I thought we'd end up brawling, but Starscream called us away with orders. She never showed when he summoned us, so Skywarp and I went out alone looking for Shred. I told Rogue I'd finish up with her later.

So the next day I went back into the Tina, and Skywarp and Slipstream were there. They said something to her about not following orders, and she said "How I follow orders is my choice." Slipstream hauled off and tried to deck her, right there. Then she zapped all three of us with her lightning. I figured it was about time to do that proving she was talking about, so I told her I was fed up and we smacked each other around a bit until security pulled us apart.

Maybe it wasn't the best way to handle things, but back where I came from, when some 'Con said "Prove it," that meant she wanted a fight. When she zapped me with her lightning, when I hadn't done a damn thing, I gave it to her. Far as I'm concerned, that's all.

Capture

Jul 03 2011 Shred

• decepticon spinny followed by Shred's visage on the screen*

"This is Shred reporting about the past several cycles. Now, as you may or may not be aware, I have been in the.. shall we say, custody.. of the Autobots of Iacon. The way this occurred is, to be honest, something of an embarressment. I was concerned about one of our own who had not reported in for a time, and went out scouting, solo. The reason I went alone was simple. I did not wish to tie up important resources that were needed more elsewhere. Unfortunately, I got careless, and found myself ambushed by the autobots. The Slaggers shot me in the back, and disabled me. The next thing I knew I was in a cell in Iacon. They wanted to see what I knew, to find out what information they could extract from me, however I am proud to say they got slag all from me. as to how I was brought back, I do not exactly know. they must have spiked my energon. However after a thorough examination by Robustus, there is no sign of any potential security hazard. "

Urgent Infection Spreading

Jul 03 2011 Robustus

To all Decepticons, I have found out via my contacts in the medical circle that a case of Cubicron Itch came into our army via one of the seekers. I will not disclose whom, but if you notice any itching or crawling sensations come to med bay immediately so medical staff can treat you. This is NOT a drill, its quite serious. I will be treating those that I know had contact with the seeker immediately. Robustus out.

Shuttle Research

Jul 06 2011 Slipstream

The following is for Megatron's optics only. My Lord, I have spent some time researching whom would have shuttles and if they had any for purchase. I have documented all the contacts I have made as well as gone out to where the shuttles in question are located to get photofiles and shuttle specs from the sellers. Find attached said photofiles and shuttle specs as well as contact and location information.

Decisions decisions (Rogue et all)

Jul 08 2011 Megatron

• Decepticon Spinny*
• Lord Megatron appears on the screen, leaning towards it menacingly*"

"Rogue, despite my very generous warnings, you have not complied with my orders. This is not *he shakes a fist near the console beside himself* acceptable!"

"Effective immediately, you are assigned to the ranks of the trainees. You will report to the academy grounds at the beginning of the next duty cycle, and you will repeat your training until the training mechs report that your attitude and understanding of my army are improved. Your weapons are also to be returned to academysafety standards. If this is unacceptable, you are welcome to report to me personally in the throne room at any time for removal from the Decepticon Empire." His cannon glowed softly at that.

"Furthermore, Slipstream you are fined one quarter of your pay for the next three months for attacking a fellow Decepticon unprovoked, and must complete one extra duty shift a week for that time period. " "Skywarp and Nova Black although you had little direct part in the bar brawl, you were participants, and thus you are fined one quarter of your pay for one month, and must complete one extra duty shift a week during that time as well. "

"We are DECEPTICONS. We do not fight each other. We fight and crush the ENEMY. Bickering and childish behaviour are intolerable. Disrespect to senior officers popular or not will not be tolerated by ANYONE." "Oh yes, and Shred, for being captured, you must complete one extra round of duty per week for six months. Be more CAREFUL."

"THe Emperor has spoken. Long live the Empire!"

• Bleep*

Furthermore...

Jul 08 2011 Megatron

• respinny*

"It is I, Megatron again. Slipstream it has come to my attention that you had gone MIA or possibly AWOL For a certain amount of time prior to Shreds' own capture. Since I can certainly put two and two together, I will assume you were the one who went missing. Your pay is again deducted by one quarter for the same amount of time for failing to report. Megatron out, AGAIN.

• spinny*

Itch Update

Jul 12 2011 Robustus

Robustus here. I am pleased to report that all active duty Decepticons currently serving on Cybertron have received the Cubicron itch cure and have been furthermore been clear coated to prevent reinfecton. I have seen to it that all Decepticon off planet outposts received a copy of the recipe to make the cure so the medic or medically qualified individual may apply it to their staff.

Report on Autobot Weaponry

Jul 17 2011 Nova Black

I'm neither a scientist nor a technician, so I don't have exact specs to offer on Autobot weaponry. But I did have a run-in not too long ago with an anti-aircraft gun a group of them was building in one of the formerly contested territories.

I tried to convince those around me to do something about it before they finished building the thing. I... didn't manage that.

The weapon ran on several cells of energy -- I want to say four, but I'm not sure how accurate my memory files are on that score. The thing to remember is that the weapon can still run on one cell even if the others are damaged. I found that one out the hard way. All but one of the cells were dark when I got to it, so I thought the others had disabled it. They hadn't.

It packed a punch, too. I was hit straight-on, and... well. Much as I hate to admit it, if my team hadn't had a skilled medic and science officer, I might not be giving this report.

If whatever the Autobots are building now is anything like what shot me, the one flaw in the design was that it couldn't aim well at anything on the ground. It's meant to keep Seekers and other fliers out of the air as much as it's meant to destroy them.

Which means as soon as you land, their grounders swarm you. Or at least, that's what passed for a "strategy" when we were fighting them.

I don't know if what they're building now is similar technology. I'm no spy; I'm just a soldier. But maybe this information can help us get ready for whatever we'll be up against.

Power to the Decepticons forever!

Report

Jul 24 2011 Shadow

(to intelligence and CoC)

Ravage and I infiltrated Iahex and found the Autobot weapon. Some scientists and engineers were onsite. We successfully snuck past them and copied a number of files from the weapon's computer before our electronic intrusion was detected. Ravage provided a diversion and we escaped without incurring any damage. I also have an audio recording of Perceptor discussing the weapon and how it differs from its predecessor models.

The Air Commanders Report

Jul 24 2011 Starscream

The screen comes on suddenly and Starscream appears. He is seated at his desk in his lab and he looks as smug as usual.

"My weekly report has been delayed because of something I have been working on for," He pauses a long beat and then continues, "..Lord Megatron."

He leans back and casually pulls out an enercig from a forearm compartment. He takes his sweet time lighting it and then takes that first pull off of it. Starscream blows the purple smoke out slowly and then continues. "I have also been working on the mystery of where this constant Acid Storm rain is originating from and who might be responsible for it." Starscream takes his attention away from the camera for a few moments as he does some keystrokes out of the cameras view on the keyboard to his computer. He looks off screen to the monitor and then look back to the camera. His expression is rather humorously smug.

"You realize, Megatron, insistence on the completion of this new formula has delayed work on solving the mystery of the Acid Rain. We are basically grounded right now because of the rain, therefore the Acid Storms origin must take top priority over the energon extraction formula. he pauses and a smirk fights to erupt on his lips. "You cant have your aerospace forces grounded now can you? Not if we are to keep the Autobots at bay." he pauses and takes another pull off his smoke. "We can still obtain energon sufficiently with our present formula, Lord Megatron. Im sure even you can see the priorities here on my .. workload. He reaches forward suddenly and shuts the camera off.

Regarding Starscream's Report

Jul 26 2011 Megatron

• Megatron's face appears on the screen. His faceplates are creased in a deep frown.*

Decepticons,

As Air Commander Starscream's most recent report contains an official and public confession that he is incapable of developing the energon extraction formula he claimed to be perfecting, he is removed from that project effective immediately.

In its place, he is now assigned to research the source of the acid rain. As he rightly points out in his most recent report, the storms have kept him, the Seekers, and other fliers grounded for some time now. As I am certain he himself is anxious to get back into the air as soon as possible, I trust that he will prove less neglectful of this duty than of the other one.

• He smirks.*

Despite that he himself is ordered to remain inside the base until a full week after he has determined the source of the storms, and neutralized them.

After all, the sooner he determines this, the sooner he can take to the air again.

• His optics flare as he frowns again*

Anyone who sees him sneaking out before the storms have abated or before that week is up will report such immediately, on pain of their own punishment.

Megatron out.

Vortex's Report to Soundwave

Aug 04 2011 Vortex

To: Soundwave

From: Vortex

Report re: subject unnamed prisoner Starscream shot in the face

Subject had suffered moderate to severe wounds before my arrival, including apparent damage to neural circuitry. Viability of intelligence therefore compromised.

Subject claimed the Autobots are engaged in standard weapons research, and some project which begins with the syllable 'ges'. The subject managed to get a grip on

himself halfway through the word, and wouldn't complete it. He appeared particularly anxious afterwards, and spoke of a promise he'd made, saying 'Friends would be hurt.'

With reference to Project Ges...?, the subject mentioned 'tripleformer' and 'extra cogs', and claimed he wasn't sure what it meant as he wasn't a doctor. He claimed not to have seen them, not to know how many of them there are evidently more than one, probably more than two and that they had left (presumably Iacon).

Subject claimed that the project was called Gerwalks, although this conflicts with his earlier 'ges' slip of the glossa. The medic in charge of the project works under Ratchet, but the subject didn't appear to know his name.

Of potential interest is that the subject stated that the third mode made sense, considering what 'Gerwalks' are, and appeared surprised when I pressed him on why that was the case. He claimed they have a third mode, composed of jet with arms and legs. He did not appear as anxious after revealing this as he did initially, although he did persist with the implication that the Autobots are researching new aerial modes.

Unfortunately, the subject lost consciousness after that.

Rebuttal to Megatron

Aug 04 2011 Starscream

(pardon the lateness of this report/rebuttal to Megatron. I didnt check the BB like I should. This should have been posted like a day after Megatrons report at the latest!)

The blackness flashes out to reveal a very angry Starscream. His optics are blazing ruby red and his mouth seems frozen in a permanent sneer.

"I confessed NOTHING in my previous report, Megatron." he begins barely containing his anger, "You were the one that wanted everything 3 cycles ago. If you understood how science works you would understand that the end results most times do not reveal themselves according to the time table that /you/ want!" he pauses for a beat and his wings seem to shutter. His emotions are so high right now, its as if his form can barely contain it. But it seems apparent that the angst of his anger is more than just being accused of confessing something he didnt. Well in his mind he didnt at any rate. No. What has him furious is.

"AND HOW DARE YOU CONFINE ME TO BASE?!" It seems as if the Air Commander explodes suddenly, "YOU CANT DO THAT!" Just the mere thought of being confined to the base and unable to fly fills him with fury and sheer fright. Hes one Seeker can not handle confinement in any way. Starscream visibly fights to regain his composure to continue. "You WILL have your formula and the explanation for this cursed acid rain storm as soon as I FIND IT!"

He reaches over to shut off the com channel determined to ignore the week confinement one way or another.

Skywarp's Punishment

Aug 07 2011 Megatron

As punishment for several recent transgressions, including an attempt to repaint the barracks with paint stolen from Iacon, Skywarp has been assigned to repaint the barracks. *No other Decepticon* is permitted to aid him in this assignment for any reason. Anyone he asks for help doing so must refuse and report this behavior immediately, regardless of whether they owe him "favors" of any sort. Anyone who sees him attempting to avoid this duty must also report it immediately.

Seeker Reorganization and Mission

Aug 09 2011 Megatron

Air Commander Starscream reports that the acid rains will continue until it is dissipated by the action of many flying through it. In order to restore our rightful place as rulers of Cybertron's skies, two trines of fliers will fly out to dissipate the rains.

However, as my Air Commander insists upon continually disobeying clear and direct orders, and as several other Seekers' ability to function within trines must be tested, they will not go out in your usual groups. The trines shall be as follows: Stormfront will serve in the place of Air Commander, with Hellbat as his second, and Starscream as their third. The second trine will be led by Nova Black, with Skywarp and Knifepoint. The third will be led by Thundercracker, with Swiftblade and Echo.

This arrangement is temporary, yes, but you will also be observed to see how well you lead or follow in groups other than the usual. Do not waste your time with the assumption that since this is temporary, it does not matter. How well you function in these groups will affect how quickly and easily the rains are dissipated. Any time wasted on anger or squabbling will only result in damage to yourselves and others damage that you deserve if you discredit the Empire with foolish and petty behavior.

Seeker Orders

Aug 11 2011 Hellbat

Hellbat's unpleasant vissage fills the screen, the camera far too close...

"Lord Megatron! I am most gratified to be en trusted with such a presigious appoint ment so soon after my return to Cybertron. I am ready and wait ing to see Commander

Stormfront's orders are carried out just as soon as he has decided what he wishes from his troops. I have all ready spoken to Starscream and can assure you his sci entific genius will not be foiled by a simple storm."

He leans back away from the camera enough to show he's surrounded by computer printous.

"In the mean time I shall endeavor to see that the cycle to cycle running of your air forces con tinues with the eficiency they have pre viously enjoyed...although I must admit I had not for seen the volume of paperwork to be so high."

He Salutes vigerously...but the action upsets the stacks of paperwork wich bury him in an avalance of hardcopy.

The transmition ends but has attachments requiring authorisation. Duty rosters, Energon allocations, Recon reports, Munitions inventories, Construction orders for a new office...the usual.

Restoration of Seeker Trines

Aug 14 2011 Megatron

Starscream and Soundwave report that the acid rains have been dispersed, thanks to Starscream's research (however long it took him), Stormfront's leadership and coordination, and the determination and skilled flying of the three Seeker trines who fearlessly flew into highly hazardous conditions for the good of the Empire.

All Decepticons, consider this an example to follow. Fear nothing in the pursuit of your objectives. Use any and all means necessary to achieve them. Remember that you were built as warriors, and let nothing stand in your way or the way of the Empire you serve.

As Starscream's research into the rains and knowledge of how best to disperse them resulted in this successful mission, he is hereby reinstated to his previous position though he will be carefully watched for further incidents of insubordination. The other Seekers are also hereby restored to their former units and ranks.

The temporary assignments, however, have also provided a wealth of information about all of the Seekers who participated, both positive and negative. All who participated in this mission: expect your performance to impact your future assignments... whether for good or for ill.

Intrusion Report

Aug 14 2011 Soundwave

Restricted Access

To: Lord Megatron

CC: Shockwave

An intruder was spotted in the hanger bay on previous cycle by seeker (Designation: Nova Black Personnel Record: 22410SA). Video record available and attached. Intruder's identity unknown, research ongoing. Intruder appears to have some sort of telepottation ability and claimed to have arrived in hanger bay 'by mistake'. Further investigation is ongoing.

SOUNDWAVE

Report from Air Commander, Starscream

Aug 14 2011 Starscream

The black screen fades to the Decepticon emblem spinny and that fades out to reveal Starscreams handsome face. Though right now the face looks a bit weathered and tired but the expression is as arrogant as ever.

"My fellow Seekers," he begins confidently, "I have been restored to my rank as Air Commander. All temporary Trine assignments have been absolved and those in previous Trines before the temporary situation have been restored to their original Trines. " he pauses a moment and then continues. "I want reports and present status from all involved in the Acid Storm mission, as well as repair reports." He pauses a beat then adds,"Everyone did a good job and the storm was broken up as anticipated." The screen suddenly goes black.

Medical Role Call

Aug 16 2011 Robustus

The following individuals are expected to come into Repair Bay for follow up on previous repairs or for a scheduled maintenance check up:

Echo

Hellbat

Hookshot

Knifepoint

Megatron

Nova Black

Shadow

Shred

Skywarp

Slipstream

Starscream

Stormfront

Swiftblade

Thundercracker

Vortex

Please arrange with either myself or Shred for your appointment. Thank you. Robustus

Rain Mission Report

Aug 17 2011 Nova Black

I led the first of the three trines assigned to break up the acid rain. The trine consisted of me, Skywarp, and Knifepoint. I ordered them to fly through the densest clouds they could, so that we'd break up as much of the storm as we could for the others.

This took its toll on my own armor and severely damaged Skywarp's. Knifepoint had it easier, though, perhaps because 'Warp and I had already broken the bigger clouds up. I tried to use my own frame to clear a path for 'Warp, because as trineleader it was my responsibility to protect the others. It helped, but he'd taken so much damage already that he needed immediate repairs when we got back in.

I don't know exactly how much we did to dissipate the storm, as the status reports weren't announced until after I'd returned from my flight and another trine had already started theirs. But judging from how much less happened to Skywarp after I'd cleared the way, we must have put a few dents in it.

Skywarp and I were repaired two orns ago. As far as I can tell, we both seem functional, though we could probably use some new paint.

report

Aug 18 2011 Nitrogear

Comrade Nitrogear here.

On my way to Cubicron, I found a Mech who was climbing down a ladder from the top of one of the Empty Warehouses. The mech in question is sleek silver and black in coloration. The mech is slender, almost feminine. With yellow, leafshaped optics and a long nose, the mech stands about average height. Small spoiler fins grace down the mech's upper arms and lower legs, and wheels are seen on the outsides of both.Over all of the mech's body, 'tattoos' of an engraved nature decorate the mech's chassis. Some are elegant, but others almost obscene in nature.

I confronted him and a small fight ensued. I quickly attained superiority and asked what he was doing at the factory. He asserted that he was scavenging for pbolts. I also asked what happened to the burneddown El Sleazo. He wasn't much help as he wasn't there when it went off. The mech said it was something about some gang war and something BIG just started.

Comrade Nitrogear out.

DECEPTICON LOGO

Return from Mission

Aug 18 2011 Firestorm

• TEXT ONLY*

Firestorm here, reporting in on offworld scouting mission. No new resources were found sadly, so at the behest of our Leader I've returned to Cybertron and will be picking up my duties where I left off.

Firestorm out.

Report on Repainting

Aug 19 2011 Skywarp

• Skywarp sits in front of the camera, looking sulky*

"As of yesterday, the barracks hall has been repainted. All repainting was completed by me, as required by Lord Megatron. I understand that putting Autobot paint on our walls is wrong even if I may think it's funny at the time and that future incidences will be harshly punished." Skywarp glances off to one side. "I can't read that cue card, TC. What? Oh?" He turns back to the camera.

"I apologize for any trouble I may have caused." He rolls his optics and reaches for the camera. "Skywarp, out. All Hail Megatron!"

• Decepticon spinny*

Attack on Unobtainium Mine

Aug 21 2011 Megatron

Earlier this orn there was an Autobot incursion on an unobtanium mine in the western part of the Rad Zone. A group of Autobots attempted to seize control of the mine; Optimus Prime himself was present. I led a group of Decepticons out to meet them, and we repulsed them. They stole a small quantity of the mine's unobtainium before retreating. If they need more and to all appearances they do they will no doubt return and attempt to wrest control of the mine a second time.

Unobtainium is an inferior and weak fuel. Why Prime should want it badly enough to come for it personally is a mystery to me and must not remain so. I want everyone in the science division researching possible methods of refining unobtainium to make better use of it than we currently know. Intelligence division, you must turn your efforts to gaining information about this as well. We must keep our enemies away from the mine but we must also determine why they have taken such an interest in it.

Academy Report

Aug 21 2011 Slipstream

ATTN: Stormfront

CC: Lord Megatron

Sir, please find attached my full assessment of the youngling and newbie classes that I have had the privaledge of teaching these past 13 solar cycles. I thoroughly went over the class notes given to me and went by them in order to keep the students on track with their studies, both mental as well as physical. The younglings were quite curious at first about me, but once they got settled down class went as well as one can expect. To say they were on their best behavior would not be enough to fully convey such. The newbie classes, however, were about the same as before the temporary trine shake up. That is to say they still test both myself and each other, to see what they can get away with.. especially two of them. But they shall see the error of their ways. I have them working on their ground hand combat as well as air to ground tactics, as they will need both to be useful to our army. I hand over the youngling teaching back over to Stormfront now that the shake up is over and maintain my orders under him, teaching the newbies as well as doing my normal duties.

Slipstream

Impact Alarm

Aug 27 2011 Hellbat

Hellbat apears on screen, his masked face taking up the whole frame as usual.

"Decepticons..."

He begins self importantly.

"As those of you with sufficient security clearance will be a ware I have spent some time in exploration of deep space. During the course of this mission I was able to identify a number of as tral bodies of potential interest, as a source of ener gy or rare metals not found on Cybertron."

He leans back, away from the camera, looking pleased with himself. He wrings his hands slowly and behind him you can see the bank of computer tracking screens.

"Omens since my re turn have proven correct and I have been able to utilite the Polyhex tracking a ray to confirm that sever al such bodies will be passing close to Cybertron."

He stabs a pointed finger behind him at the screen showing something from space on a collision course with the planet.

"Very close!"

He leans foward again, face once more filling the screen.

"Might I sugest we pre pare collection teams to harvest what ever bounty may be con tained within these meteors?"

(See 7/62)

New Medic on Staff

Aug 29 2011 Robustus

As of late last cycle the medical staff here in Polyhex has increased by one. It was a pleasant surprise and one I welcome as this medic is, in my very humble estimation, one of the finest alive today. So please welcome Lifeline as one of our own as she is now one of us.

Chimera's Tunnels

Aug 29 2011 Starscream

The screen lights up and Starscream's amazing face now occupies the screen. He looks a bit tired though and is that the vents on the sides of his helm angling upward slightly in their frames?

"This report is late." He beings hautily, "Through no fault of my own." he pauses a beat and continues, "On patrol south of Crystal City, we encountered a neutral the one called Chimera. She fled and went down into a tunnel. This was a somewhat elaborate tunnel system and its still being mapped. We need to destroy that tunnel system and I don't think I have to explain why." he pauses for another moment then adds, "I have been taken off duty for the next cycle. Go to Thundercracker for anything you need me for. That is all." the Air Commander reaches forward and the screen goes black.

Energy in the Ground

Aug 31 2011 Starscream

The black screen dissolves to reveal Starscream's face. Yes we know its handsome. "Megatron." He begins crisply, "I did a followup on Echo's unusual finding of electical current coursing through the ground at the coordinates attached to this memo. Myself, Skywarp, Echo, Knifepoint and Robustus went to investigate further and have discovered a natural battry if you will in this area. The pooled Acid Rain coupled with a Turobrat 'food' nest just underneath created the perfect situation to develope a natural battery of the very ground there. I .. humbly suggest the Constructions get to that area and build collection stations as soon as possible to bleed this natural energy out of the ground. As long as the Acid Rain puddles remain, this will be a continual supply of energon with little to no effort spent to get it." now that was a mouthful wasn't it? With a smirk he reached forward off camera and the screen goes black.

Security Glitch

Sep 05 2011 Hellbat

(Voice Only)

"Whilst performing security duties during last cycles graveyard shift an un ident ified energy signiture of various con figurations was detected in the upper reaches of polyhexspire. I investigated per sonaly but could find no trace of an in truder. I will continue checking security sen sors for signs of tampering. Hellbat out."

Temporary Stand Down Order

Sep 09 2011 Megatron

Decepticons,

Our intelligence officers are engaged in an important operation. While they conduct it, we must maintain a low profile. Patrols are to be scaled down to a bare minimum and, most importantly, those on patrol must not engage the enemy on their own initiative. Only those defending themselves from enemy aggression or those directly ordered to engage may do so.

I expect full compliance with this order until the intelligence operation is concluded. Rest assured that once the intelligence operatives have successfully completed their mission, we will fall upon our enemies with all the fury that I bid you withhold.

Power to the Decepticons forever!

Report for Megatron

Sep 10 2011 Vortex

(Coded report for Megatron's optics only)

To: Megatron

From: Vortex

The mission was a success, and our contact in Cubicron did exactly as he was contracted. The Autobot medic First Aid is currently in our custody. Initial interrogation has been conducted Soundwave was present for the major part of it. The subject is currently unconscious, and I will resume interrogation in six joors.

Preliminary findings confirm Soundwave's hypothesis; the subject is a combiner. The Autobots have a full gestalt of five, but the gestalt has not yet been able to combine.

The subject indicated that his own alt mode is also inoperable; it's unclear whether these are related, or if they're the result of erroneous or incomplete software, hardware problems, or some other issue.

The subject had in his possession a datapad including research into combiner teams, and an incomplete letter to 'Groove'. Judging by the subject's responses, this mech is likely to be another combiner.

As discussed, I wish to keep the subject's presence hidden from the new medic, Lifeline, as they have some history further to the subject having worked for her. It appears that Lifeline found him abandoned or lost in Cubicron and took him in. I would suggest someone in authority speak with Lifeline and gauge the facts from her perspective, but only after we have as much information as the subject can yield alone. The potential remains to use her as leverage if needed.

A further report will follow.

Report for Megatron

Sep 11 2011 Vortex

(For Megatron's and Soundwave's eye only)

To: Megatron

From: Vortex

CC: Soundwave

Right now, the Autobot gestalt presents a negligible threat. They can't combine, the medic can't access his alt mode, and they don't know how their gestalt software works. The subject indicated that Ratchet discovered what they were, but their creators are unknown.

Regarding their creators, one of whom is named Adroita after the mythic leader of the Intellibots gestalt, they appear to have been neutrals. The gestalt was not created as an Autobot project, but as a neutral endeavour, although the subject did say they were created in Iacon, and relatively recently.

His early memories are confused. He doesn't know much about his creators, but it's certain they were multiple. One might be a mech by the name of Alpha, who the subject described as an old mech and a priest who appears to wander, but can sometimes be found in Iacon. The team's creators appear to have split them up and sent them away to attempt to keep them safe. If there's intel about this on our side from back then, I don't know about it. Perhaps the perceived threat wasn't us?

The subject's team mates all have working alt modes, type as yet unknown. One other of his team is an Autobot, aside from him, and the other three are neutrals. Of the neutrals, one is in Crystal City and the other two appear to be in Iacon, possibly with the Autobot. It's uncertain whether Groove is the Autobot or a neutral, but I'm certain now that he is one of the team.

The gestalt isn't common knowledge among the Autobots. Prime and Prowl know, as do Wheeljack and Perceptor of the science team, and obviously Ratchet. The Autobots have evidently been investigating the technology, otherwise First Aid wouldn't know about it.

I've taken one hand and an optic; I've left the matching set in situ for study.

Iahex Offensive

Sep 11 2011 Megatron

Decepticons,

The Intelligence division has completed the mission that necessitated the temporary standdown order. It is rescinded effective immediately. I trust you are anxious to resume operations against our enemies.

Which will begin now. The Autobots are currently searching for someone that we have taken prisoner, and few remain to guard the weapons they have been building in Iahex.We have been awaiting a chance to strike, and must go to Iahex, fall upon their weakened defenses and destroy their weapons now, while they are distracted by their search.

They are weakened. We are not, and we will strike and destroy the very thing they hope to use against us.

Glory to the Empire!

Another Update

Jun 03 2010 Robustus

After a thorough examination of the equipment and sanitizing all equipment, tools, and of course myself, I performed the neccessary procedure of extracting Shred's spark from her laser core. This accomplished, a visual examination showed there was no crystal in the spark itself, only radiation had bonded with it. This radiation was leeched off the spark along with some of the spark energy. Her spark was then returned to her laser core and a spark infusion was initiated until her spark reached normal parameters.

Shred is currently under my orders to take it easy for two solar cycles. Hopefully by then the new seeker chassis that I put an order in for has been signed off on and delivered. Robustus out.

Crystal Research

Jun 04 2010 Starscream

"Starscream reporting. I and the other scientists have been investigating the Goanium crystals and their effects, and reviewing all known files and research on them. Robustus has sent me information regarding them and we are working on combining the isotopes to see if that will cause a reaction in either the radiation level the crystals give off, or whether it will keep the crystal from multiplying. We also hope it may dissolve the troublesome crystal itself. I will report on any developments as they become available, Mighty Megatron. Starscream out."

Follow up

Jun 04 2010 Megatron

Robustus: The requisition for Shred's new chassis has been approved. The factory has already begun assembling the chassis, and you should expect the new chassis to be delievered to the Repair Bay shortly.

Starscream: These results came too late. I was expecting a solution to this issue by now. Starscream! Get the solution to the shadow figures. I want results, not excuses for your slacking off. You should take a lesson from Shockwave's detailed reports instead of handing me this vague garbage!

Megatron out.

More on the Goanium

Jun 05 2010 Starscream

"Starscream reporting. We have made further progress on the strange goanium crystals. Apparently a particular mix of isotopes, when it is exposed to them, will cause it to dissolve and become an inert form of energon. This may have applications and potential for energy conduction.I hope this is pleasing news, Mighty Megatron. We will conduct further tests to see if it can be made useful."

Lair Raid Prep orders

Jun 06 2010 Megatron

Starscream, get to work assembling the Magnesium charges for the flares. Also provide me a list of Decepticons who will be going with you.

Robustus, prepare doses of the Cure for Starscream's team. Keep cure doses on the ready in case of any further infection. After you have prepared doses of the Cure, assist Starscream with assembling the magnesium charges if you are able.

Firestorm and Goa: Retrieve the supply of Magnesium for Starscream.

Preperations Nearly Completed

Jun 06 2010 Robustus

Megatron, as per your orders I have completed the triple dose cures for the lair mission. I will distribute them once Starscream has announced who is going. I was also able to place Shred in her new chassis and she is doing well. Her old body has been torn down for parts, although the new chassis may need a few modifications. I am currently assisting with the magnesium flares in the science facilities. The size of the canisters allows approximately 5 standard units in volume. I estimate each canister will burn a couple breems and should produce a brightness level of 200,000 lux with a maximum distance in circumfrence of 25 mechanometers. We will make enough flares to maximize the area that needs to be covered to keep those on the mission safe. One placed every 15 mechanometers should suffice. The number of flares each individual should carry and be responsible for continued light and area coverage is 8 which will cover a groon with a breem of time to spare. Robustus out.

Beast Sighting

Jun 07 2010 Slipstream

Slipstream here. Bytaboom and I were on a energon reconnaisance together at the Radio Tower Forest when we discovered that the tower itself was decorated with the bodies of civilian dead. Bytaboom smelled the beast before either of us saw it. The beast was on the tower itself and warned us away, we of course did not comply. The creature assured us that she could use her wiles to get out of joining our army. I leave it to you Lord Megatron to prove to her that to underestimate you is to invite trouble upon her. Slipstream out.

Duty Roster for Mission

Jun 07 2010 Starscream

"Starscream here. The following Decepticons are to report to me when it is time to take care of the Shadow Creatures: Goa, Firestorm, Slipstream, Bytaboom, and Robustus. Megatron has indicated he may accompany us as well. Be ready. Additionally, Mighty Megatron, the amount of flares needed is nearly complete. We will be ready to conduct this operation soon. Starscream out."

Amended duty roster

Jun 07 2010 Starscream

"Starscream here. Megatron wants Robustus here in the repair bay during the operation, in order to cure or repair any Decepticons upon our return. So that is how it will be."

Roster Participants

Jun 08 2010 Robustus

Please come by med bay to recieve your triple dose of the cure and magnesium flare allotment during your off shift so that the mission may be carried out as per Megatrons orders. Robustus out.

Repairs Report

Sep 27 2011 Calliope

Repairs Announcement

From: Scrapper

Access level: General

The repairs to Polyhex from the explosions last cycle are proceeding apace. The main hanger bay was cleared within a joor and there should be no further bottlenecks there or on the airstrip, although final repainting of the airstrip will need to wait until there is a break in the patrol schedule longer than 4 breems. Lord Megatron's Throne Room was structurally sound and the damage primarily cosmetic, but should be completely restored within an additional 4 cycles. Soundwave, I know you don't want anyone in there who doesn't have to be, but we can't repair the intelligence center until you clear my drones for access, so I can't report on those repairs.

Scrapper

Report:Autobot Infiltration/Escape

Sep 27 2011 Soundwave

Approximately fifteen joors ago, an Autobot infiltration team was able to infiltrate Polyhex. Method of initial infiltration, unable to be confirmed, but most likely accessed through the hanger bay. Autobot Prisoner First Aid was removed from the intelligence center and smuggled out with the assistance of at least one member of Decepticon Medical staff. Collusion from Lifeline and Robustus, both of whom appear to have disappeared with the infiltrators. Loyalty of the remainder of medical staff remains to be determined. Possible evidence of CMO Shred's involvement uncovered as well by Intelligence Operative Hookshot. Updates to be added as more information available

Soundwave

• Decepticon Spinny*

• Soundwave

My_Whereabouts

Oct 10 2011 Psykeout

• Decepticon spinny, fades into Psykeout's disfigured face*

"Fellow Decepticons. I have been out around Cybertron performing experiments to further the knowledge of the Decepticon Empire, as well as to see what sorts of changes we can make to the empties that inhabit Dead End to make them a bit more useful for our own purposes. It was during this time that I got wind of a certain Decepticon who is no longer with us..."

He pauses, a smirk appearing on the corner of his lips, "Did I not say that she could not be trusted? Did I not point out that she would eventually try to cause the demise of the Empire? And what was my reward for this? Forced into a psychological exam that was given to me against my will. Forced to do things that were humiliating, including having to wander Cybertron while this mockery of justice continued."

He slams his fist into the desk and leans into the camera, "Lord Megatron. I have been your faithful servant this whole time. I have never questioned your judgement, nor will I. But, I must ask who can you really trust? I have been accused of being psychotic. But, I faithfully serve the Empire. I have been accused of being neurotic. But, I do whatever Megatron asks without a second thought..."

He drifts off, looks away from the camera for a moment and then turns back, "All of that being said, I believe that it is only right for me to step up as the Medical Bay Commander. Since Shred is nothing more than a pile of dust, I feel that it is only right that I step into the position that she vacated as soon as she betrayed the Empire."

• Psykeout's face fades and Decepticon spinnage reappears*

Training Accident

Nov 23 2011 Hookshot

I had this experience I just HAD to tell you about...

Well not so much my own experience as an innocent and unbiased bystander in the drill hall, where our dear femme friend Slipstream got a booboo. A big one. A big spark threatening one, from our medic. The two of them were sparring. Admittedly, it got less 'let's see who can land the most hits' to 'YOU HAVE DISHONOURED MY HONOUR AND MUST PAY'. When tensions were high, our very talented chief medical staff, Quickrazor, hit her square in the chest. Then there were these really pretty arcs of electricity and energy flare outs and she dropped like a tonne of metal beams. If it wasn't the sign of impending doom, it'd be one fo the prettiest things I'd seen in the last few cycles. Medics didn't think it was good, but you see, it would seem they forgot they were medics for a moment so I had to hit the medic button. Then she got medical attention. Slipstream is currently undergoing extensive repairs and I am filing this report. A follow up report will come from Quickrazor himself once he is done saving lives. I imagine you higher ups can't wait to read it!

Have a nice cycle and keep your denta clean everyone!

Hookshot

Addendum

Nov 23 2011 Hookshot

By the way, it was TOTALLY an accident! No one meant for serious injury. Totally.

Report for Soundwave

Nov 25 2011 Vortex

Written report from Vortex to Soundwave, made grudgingly (because Hookshot sat him down and waited until he'd done it)

'Report on the reason Skywarp ended up in medbay very recently.

'I encountered Skywarp by the storage lockers about half a quartex ago. Skywarp requested the explosive. I gave it to him in the understanding that whatever he planned to do with it would improve morale, or be otherwise useful to the Decepticon cause.

'I encountered Skywarp again at 1900 joors yesterday in the intelligence compound. He admitted having ingested the explosive. Hookshot and Nova were also present. Nova escorted Skywarp to medbay.

'It is very fortunate that Skywarp did not explode in the intel compound, thus compromising our equipment and resources. This won't happen again. Or anything like it. Honest.'

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